Feb 5, 2011 Square one again

So I let him back in thinking that i was OK with everything.  Only talked for about 20 minutes on Monday.  Now here i sit a complete mess.  Why i ask myself would i do this to myself again.  Well i guess it is in my nature to think that i can fix it or him which ever.  i have to learn it is not my job to fix him or the mess he created.  i have to work on myself and get me back to where i deserve to be on top.  The problem that i seem to be having is i am lonely.  I go to work, I go home, I deal with the kids and the animals and then i sit. I do not have that person to just hang out with and talk about all of this.  I feel like if i talk with others about my issue then i am becoming a burden on them. Everyone as their own issues the don't need mine.  I just wish God-the universe or what ever you want to name the power above would just help me get back to me whoever that might be.  I know I will get over this but does it really have to take this much time???  I look for tomorrow or even later today to be in a better state of mind.

2-4-2011 Got it

OK so earlier was in this confused state of mind trying to back step on the hole husband thing.  Then I realized that Mother was not happy being the only one that could not control her mood swings.  So she decided she needed to visit me early.  Wasn't that so nice of her.  So at least I now know why I was wanting him back.  Now I am back and OK and do not want him back.  She can have him.

2-4-2011 First Blog

Woke up today not feeling quite right.  Really miss the idea of marriage today.  Really missing having the special someone around.  It snowed last night a good few inches very pretty, but doesn't help the mood at all.  Patrick woke up and wanted pancakes, so that helped get my mind of thinking topic of the day.   I am really trying to find positive things to think of, but at times it is hard.  I wanted my husband back, but I want him back before her.  Kind of impossible. I have started this blog to just get the feelings out.  We will see how it goes and maybe I will get better at this blog thing in the process of getting on with the next chapter of this wonderful life I have.